Does Everyone Deserve Forgiveness?
Mood:
quizzical
Topic: Personal Issues
For about three years now, I've been struggling to resolve some personal issues regarding an incident of betrayal by a few former friends(well at the time, I thought they were friends) from the fandom. My other friends have all heard the story and I've talked about all my feelings involved many times, hoping that somehow, some way I'd find it in me to let go of the bitterness and the hatred(and yes, hatred is the right word) I feel towards these women. They are both over 30 years old and what they did I haven't come across since middle school. Can you imagine? 32 year old, playground bullies. I guess I expected more from humans.
The story of what happened is ridiculously long so I won't get into too much of it here, but I'll try to summarize as best I can. The gist is I was invited to join an RPG by these two. It was just the three of us and for several months I thought all was well. That is, until I started noticing patterns. I had to follow rules they did not and when I questioned the fairness, I was told that they "owned the game and could do whatever they wanted." Maybe I'm off my rocker, but I was raised to believe that those who make the rules are even more obligated to abide by them and set the example. At any rate, this limited the range of my character's participation. Decisions about my characters were even made by the other two without my consent. Ideas I had would end up on a list of things we couldn't do. I can understand that once in a while, but it seemed done just to be nasty to me or to satisfy their little need for control.
Yeah, I questioned all these things, initially hoping for some sort of compromise or peaceful resolution, but ultimately discussions deteriorated into arguments. Unfortunately, I would discover by accident months later via board glitch(long after I *should've* left) a hidden forum on their message board that was pretty much devoted to making fun of me. Things that my naive personality didn't think were said beyond middle school. All I could do was sit and stare as the horrible realization that I was never considered their friend sunk in. I was a game for them. They put on their best "we're your friends" face in IM and then tear me apart in private where I couldn't see it. Even more amazing was I had to quote parts of things said in that hidden forum before the one would admit to having such a forum. She denied its existence! The cowardice.
I left after that. There are more details, but I think that's enough for now.
A year or so later, a friend of mine effected a reconciliation with one of them that I've come to regret. It went against my better judgment, but I gave it a shot anyway. But I just can't let go of the past. There's that old saying, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Every instinct in my body was and is screaming not to trust her again and I don't. I can't. She's proven herself to be a deceiving, conniving, lying little bitch and there's no reason to expect that she would be any different now than she was 3 years ago. I cut ties yesterday. There just comes a point when you realize something isn't right for you and never will be, no matter how much you may wish things were different.
The thing is the whole experience *changed* me in ways I never thought I could be changed. When I was younger I thought that I would always be trusting and naive. Now I'm bitter and cynical.
I struggle to make sense of the whole thing in the hopes that I'll heal and let go. Three years later I'm still working on it. There's a gazillion reasons why I think I've held onto this so long when years ago I forgave people easily. And it's affected other areas of my life. I just don't seem to be able to cut people as much slack as I used to.
I think the big thing is that the hidden forum completely caught me off guard, which a) makes me angry with myself and b) I thought this sort of shit was over when secondary school ended!!! and c) I thought they were my friends. I never, in a million years, would have erected a hidden forum to make fun of a *friend of mine* no matter how angry I might have been with them. It would never even occur to me.
Being angry with myself is something I really need to examine. This seems to be the big hurdle here. How can I forgive them when I can’t forgive myself for not having seen it sooner? I've always been hard on myself and this situation is no exception.
The second thing is I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the whole thing. I mean, how the frag do they look themselves in the mirror in the morning?! How do they do that?! I mean, I get that they apparently have a weak moral compass, but really, they're no better than your average elementary school age playground bully; and yet somehow, not only can they live with themselves, they're also masquerading in the real world as adults. I desperately need to understand this.
I guess what it comes down to is I can't seem to let go because I don't respect who they are and how they behave. Respect is important to me as is fairness. When I don't respect someone, it's pretty much a done deal.
I realize that I'm only hurting myself by holding onto the grudge, but I just don't seem to be able to turn the corner, at least not in my heart. Intellectually I understand the reasons why I should forgive, at least for my sake. Emotionally, I'm still furious with them. It feels silly, even to me.
I just can't get the emotion out like I need to. And I never got the closure I wanted, namely telling them to go get fucked in the asshole with a barbed wire dildo, but that's not very mature, though it would have made me feel a fuckload better. Somehow I have to get out of my own way in order to heal, but sometimes I just don't know if I can. I just don't think they deserve to be forgiven. And I think that because they don't feel they've done anything wrong. How about justice? Can I have that?
Sometimes I feel I need to get out of this fandom just to get the space necessary to heal. As long as I'm in the fandom, I see things(namely Starscream) that remind me of their evil. But at the same time, I don't want to leave something that I otherwise dearly love.
I just don't know how to resolve all this. All I know is I hope karma pays them a lengthy visit.
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celebratory